Well, I saw her again last night. Who is this girl, Michela, and why has she been haunting me these many years. Since I first laid eyes on her, something clicked within me that I cannot turn off. I don't know who she is, somehow we are facebook friends, and I can only remember having one conversation with her.

Every time I see her (or she me) there is this staring thing that goes on. I am not sure if it is just my perception of the moment, or the moment in and of itself, but it seems to last longer than one would expect. I saw her a few months ago, walking down the hall on campus, while walking with a friend. She passed us by, staring at me the entire time. Another time I was driving by the center and I stopped at a stop sign---just for a few seconds, and there she was, on her phone, in the sunlight, staring at me. Last night, as I randomly ran into Jonathan at a bar, there she was with him and her friend, and we exchanged looks for a few seconds. Then she whispered something to her friend, and I pretended like I didn't notice.

I don't know if she thinks im a creeper, or otherwise. Its always been the women who give me these looks that burn into my memory like a laser beam that I remember in such vivid detail. It was like this with Shannon (in HS). She use to stare at me from across the cafeteria, unrelentingly. I had no idea who she was, but by the end of senior year we were the best of friends. More could have easily followed if I would have gave in more, let her in as much as she was pulling.

Its the same with this other girl who usually comes into the IT center every morning. I caught her looking at me one day while I was at the computer. I looked back over, she smiled and sighed, and it was like my heart was lit on fire. I smiled back, and every time I see here now it is like there is a conversation with our gaze. Am I supposed to act, or am I supposed to do nothing? This is my kryptonite with women, the one thing that goes beyond all of my defenses and straight to the heart of my soul. I can look past a lot, filter a lot, but the eyes that stare at me with deep intent, despite me not knowing the intent, takes me every time. Not every woman can pull it off, but those who do own a piece of me that I willingly surrender.

It is their eyes that bring me in, but it is everything else that comes with it. Their smiles (or not) the fall of their hair, the plushness of their cheeks, every impression of that moment that arises. It is like they rob me of something, of my will to ignore, and add to me all that they are in those moments. It is something I cannot shake, something I doubt I ever will, something that is mysterious to me yet I want it beyond all things when it happens. I don't know what is going on with Michalea, I know she does not know me, nor I her. I don't know what she thinks when we see each other, or how we/I should respond differently. All I know, is that every time I have followed that gaze, I have lost all sense of who thought I was, and all that is left is the raw inwards. And that is a scary, but freeing experience.

"Or should I talk about her smile? (It's been said before)
Or what about her style? (Too obvious)
I'm out of time
She's out the door
I got to go for mine

I think I'll say....

Yo

I don't know your name but excuse me miss
I saw you from across the room
And I got to admit that you got my attention
You're making me want to say yo
I know you're trying to leave but excuse me miss
I saved the last dance for you
How I love to keep you here with me oh baby"

I think im burned out. I want to do work, but im so freakin' tired.

I Work sunday nights from 12pm to 8am. I go to sleep @ around 9am when I get home. I wake up around 3pm, then I make something to eat and go to class @ 4:30pm until 10:30pm . Then I make something else to eat, come to work again from 12am to 8am (where I am now). Some weeks this is easy, but this week I have been dragging. I have two papers to write (actually three, but two to research). I just feel so put out right now I dont know what to do. I didn't have group today because I had to moderate it, so I couldn't vent there. Last Friday when I had my last "counselor" meeting within my counseling class, I almost came to tears over some issues concerning me leaving my family for college.

I don't care what anyone says, counseling is hard work. And questioning yourself and your own defenses that you construct to get by with life is hard. I feel like I am drained. I just want to fly home to south carolina for a week and do nothing. But the truth is, I will be there for only 5 days, and I have to write a paper or two while im there. Then I will fly back, work an 8 hour shift, go to class again for 6 more hours, go to work for 8 more hours (on my birthday...) then sleep all day (during my birthday) and go to class again @ 7pm until 10pm, where I have to turn in a paper. And thats my birthday.

The thing is, after that my schedule gets a lot better. I have an exam or two after that (and a paper), but thats all until the 20th or so, when I go back home. I just plan to work a lot of hours so I can have some money to pay off all of the debt im in.

Being an adult sucked. Being a college student at UofR also sucked, just a little less. *sigh*

This is an article  I read. It goes hand in hand with the male virginity post I made: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/guide-teen-girls/200906/male-virginity-myths