I am a 22 year old male virgin.

Surprised? I'm not. The thought of being a virgin doesn't cross my mind much. It use to in high school and middle school, when people were first getting it on, having kids, etc. I use to feel like I was missing out. In a sense, I am (ha!). I always thought it was going to just happen for me, that I didn't have to invest much time of effort into it. Time kept rolling, and year after year I remained a virgin. Someone in high school asked me about it once. She asked "Really? Is it because of choice?" Orgionally I guess it was.

The truth is, I have never been in a serious relationship. A long time ago I thought that was a precursor for sex. So, I held off. Until around sophomore year of college. Thats when I thought once again that I was missing out, like perhaps I was using it (virginity) to seperate myself from others on some level. I decided to take action and to see what would happen. I started to go out more, make out with girls more, go on more dates, etc. But nothing ever happened. And I think it was because I was always looking for something more, not just sex. Call it good impulse control if you want, because I think about it just as much as anyone.

Perhaps I am / was looking for a significant relationship in my life. But thats not required for sex is it? I don't think so. But perhaps it is required for me. Call me old fashioned, but perhaps that's who I am. It's not like I have not had the opportunities. If I wanted sex, its out there. I've engaged in sexual like actives, but never the act of intercourse, of course.

But I wonder, why is this not talked about more? I know quite a few other people who are virgins. Of course no one ever talks about it, especially if you are a male. I think it makes, or some people think, you less of a male. We males are suppose to sleep around and spread our seed right? Boys will be boys. Its only the women who are whores if they sleep around...right? They are suppose to be pure and holding of their selves "lady like". Its why they get married in all white (virgin purity) and males in black tuxes. If all males sleep around and women are not, then who are they sleeping with? Other males?

Not that I think that if you do sleep around you are a whore. I think it depends on the person, on the intent, and on each experience. In our "sexually liberated" culture, have we forgotten what matters the most? I am not some sexually repressed person who thinks sex is dirty. I have the same desires, the same impulses. I have just not fulfilled them with another human being. I think it varies from person to person --- it is unique in itself. It is the meaning (or lack of in some cases) for each individual that matters. For a lot of people sex is love. For a lot of people, its just something you do. For others, it is a connection with some other person, a different way of knowing them. I think what it is or is not varies a lot, but should be respected in all its aspects.

I don't think the male virgin is. I don't think he exists, because no one talks about him. No one asks him why, everyone just assumes. People assume I get laid all the time, but I really never imply such a thing. Even my own family assumes I am living some secret life where I sleep with a ton of women because I never talk to them about people im seeing (because its implied that if you are seeing someone, you are sleeping with them). We have created a culture where the male virgin cannot exist. Men are supposed to just know sex, it is suppose to just come to them. Well, I am here, and I am saying that it doesn't. We go though all the feelings and the emotions any female does (or does not). We don't discuss it as much --- and perhaps that is the greatest lost.

I have questioned sex and my sexuality. I question everything. I once thought that was my weakness, why I did not engage in sex. But I did engage in the world -- activities that should have lead to it. All in all, for some reason, I never followed though. It's not because I think of sex as some big thing that you should wait for "happily ever after" for (if you did, no one would have sex). I think of it as a natural thing. But I don't put it first when I want to get to know someone. When im attracted to someone--- truly attracted to someone, the physical is the bonus. Does this mean that I don't take it into consideration? Heeeeeelllllll no. But it is just a part of the person.

And does that mean I don't go, "oh shit, the things I would do to her..." No, it doesn't. For me, being a virgin is just an extension of who I am. It doesn't define me at all, nor does it limit me. I don't go around "oh, im pure because I don't have sex" or "I need to get rid of this virgin thing". Its more like I am a virgin because of how I interact with other people-- because of who I am. I feel as if it is a category, something to assign to people. I am human, no more, no less. And if I just happen to be a virgin by society's standards, then that's what I am. I am not going to let it define me.

The same goes for the flip side. If you like to get it on, then that is just you. As long as you know that its you, as long as you are being authentic to you, then thats ok. The male virgin, wherever or whoever he is, needs not to be ashamed. There is no fault for who you are.

And I guess, for now, thats a part of who I am.

I haven't talked about 'chocolate cake' in a while. Mainly because there is nothing to discuss. 

As I suspected, after I saw her in April with her BF and her avoiding me (thus me avoiding her and not contacting her for a month), she contacted me, wanting to hang out again. More specifically, wanting to go out on our bike rides. I was still pretty bitter at this point, and I felt like I could not see her without being emotionally provoked (either positively or negatively). So I avoided her and made excuses to why I could not go. She kept trying though, via facebook messages and texts. This went on for a few months. It eventually led to her calling me at times and leaving voice messages. When I finally said yes, she started to play her, "I forgot, can we reschedule" game. The thing is, I was not playing anymore. I was done chasing her. I was done caring for her like that. Eventually, I saw her at the camp. She was laying under a tree, when I started throwing twigs at her. She thought they were falling out of the tree. When I walked up to her, I was looking into her eyes as she laid there. I said, " You are so dense." She said, "Chris, you are not a nice person.", and smiled. She hit me, I hit back. We were back to our old selves again, flirting, talking, and acting casually. For a moment, it felt like none of the shit of the past few months happened. But I noticed something different. I didn't feel anything towards her anymore. I felt neutral. And I liked it. 

A week later, I saw her at the gym. It was kinda awkward, she kept looking at me while I was working out. Afterwards as I was leaving, I saw her following me. So, I stopped and talked to her. Turns out she hasn't been going bike-riding either. The thing is, or she tells me, is that she doesn't have time but really wants to --- to stay physical. Our bike rides were only half physical. Most of what happened was what was said. What was not said. What we gained emotionally from just being with each other. How much we grew just by dreaming. It is something rare. 

A week ago, I asked her if she wanted to hang out and do something. I feel like now I am at a place where I don't feel emotionally invested in her anymore, where I can be around her and not feel lost and disrespected. She never responded however. I heard this weekend from a friend (by accident actually) that she was with her boyfriend still (or again?). I didn't feel anything. And I like it. I guess now, after a year, it is truly over. I cannot say it is a tragedy or fate, luck or a bad hand. Because I feel nothing. 

On another note, I have become attracted to someone who I work with. Her name is Laura. I realized this last week, when I caught myself staring at her from across the room. We flirt a lot, often calling the attention of our co-workers. Laura has beautiful eyes. They are grey, yet they have yellow streaks emitting from them, as if they were sun rays. Her personality is that of a tomboy, yet she can be girlish when she wants to. Physically, she is beautiful, but in her own way. I don't think I would be physically attracted to her, or at all, if I didn't get to know her. However there is one thing -- She has a boyfriend.

I have been there before. And I don't intend on going back. There is no indication that Laura would cheat on her b/f, nor would I expect it. But the possibility is there. And reality is born from possibilities. I would be a fool to not notice how flirty we have become. But I think I would be a fool to do anything else. She obviously cares for her b/f.  And I respect all relationships (romantic or otherwise). Relationships are some of the most valuable things we as humans can create. We can have so many, yet each one is unique -- special in its own way. This is even more so with romantic relationships, when you let so much of the other person in. Each one has its own magic. From the newness, to the freshness in the air, to the tingle in you toes and electricity running up your spine with just the thought of the other person. Who am I to violate that? 

And at the same time, lately I have been feeling lonely. Not my usually sense of aloneness --- which is healthy, but a true sense of loneliness --- a need for deep  human connection. With the lost of a few close friends and my sudden realization of the physical distance from my family, there is a loss there that I cannot replace with all the jewels in the world. Perhaps it is up to me to form new, deep connections and to reinvent the ones I am "loosing". At the same time, I dare not wish to ruin anothers.   But who knows what the future has in store?